I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
