Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
