Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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