just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
