The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
