so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
