So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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