Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
