all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
