I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
