U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
