I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
