i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
