My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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