dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
