I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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