Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
being pregnant is like rehab
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
