I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
