just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
