chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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