My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I am available for nakedness
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
