I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
