I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize