I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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