I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
