I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
