Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize