Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize