My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
