Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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