from now on my penis is your penis
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
