apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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