Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
how drunk are you?
Several
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
