I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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