I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
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