Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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