Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
