first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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