I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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