I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
