Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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