I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm just crazy horny about you
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
