I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
don't judge my taste in strippers
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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