I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
