TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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