Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize