i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
