I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
