I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
