I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
