ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
