So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
