If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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