i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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