Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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