I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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